Finding a full body yes
(even though it's so inconvenient...)
It has been a few weeks since I’ve posted here. I am giving myself compassion and grace for breaking my promise to myself of posting every Thursday. I’ve been experiencing anxiety and cannot focus. I’ve been distracted by the weight of deciding whether to go to a graduate school program for mental health counseling. I was enrolled in the program, all set to start a week from today, but something about it just felt “off.” I wasn’t as excited about it as I wanted to be. This decision was consuming me, taking up all my mental space, and thankfully, I have finally found some clarity. I decided to postpone beginning the program to give myself time to determine if:
I actually want to be a counselor when I grow up.
There is a program out there for me that feels more aligned.
This experience reminds me of the Seven of Cups card from the Tarot. In the Rider–Waite deck, this card shows a shadowy person (me!) looking at seven cups, each filled with an object. I interpret the meaning of this card as all about choices, discernment, confusion, and lack of clarity. Some of the options in the cups are shiny carrot distractions, possibly based on what the ego wants; others are more authentic. You can see the confusion in the body language of this shadowy figure; they seem quite startled. I have felt just like this Seven-of-Cups person the last few months!
Since I’ve made The Decision, I have felt 1,000 pounds lighter in my soul. I wake up each day very aware of this BUFFET of possibilities the universe is presenting to me. Not just paths I can take for my career, but options about what I want to do in that moment and what my body feels it needs. Being in a space of ambivalence blocked me from seeing possibilities, aligned options, and the abundance all around me. It took me out of the present moment and into the land of “what if” and worst-case scenarios, and of being behind.
I want to say that never again will I get so caught up in my head about things. That I will base my decisions on love, my higher self, and how I feel in my body from here on out. That I will TRUST that if it’s not a full-body YES, then it’s not quite right for me.
That might not happen, but I hope that I have built some decision-making muscle, so next time the big one won’t be quite as difficult and I’ll move through it with a deep inner knowing of what I want to do. Fingers crossed, my heart and soul will remember this little glimmer of a life lesson!
